Words can barely describe the hell and horror of things I have seen and experienced over the past few weeks. My dreams are filled with things I will never have again and my days are overflowing with nightmares I never thought would become true. I have my daughter back and at the same time almost wished she was dead. I am so conflicted that I almost don't know what to do. Alex and Don are doing their best to keep my spirits up. Evie is an inspiration, onto herself, for me to stay alive, Yet I can't help but to think about suicide every day, several times a day.
The fragility of human life has never been more evident to me before. Our skulls can be split open with a few strikes of a machete. Our faces can be beaten off of our faces with several blows from an old man's walking stick. The skin covering our bodies is thin and can easily be sliced open with a dull knife or a piece of paper. There is nothing about the human body that can or will endure. Most of the zombies I have seen lately have been in the advanced stages of decay. The smell is gone and the skin is beginning to go with it. Eyeballs hanging from their sockets and genitalia has long been eaten away by insects. Something we used to regard as a way of distinguishing ourselves from others or declaring our social status lies in tattered rages. A woman in a Chanel dress and a man in an Armani suit walk side by side with, what used to be, a homeless man and a girl in cheap clothing. All four of them set on a path to find a single reward...fresh,raw,living, breathing, dreaming flesh. I hate them all, I re-kill them all and yet...I envy them all.
They don't have to worry about the safety of their families anymore. They don't have to worry about what might happen next. They just have a solitary objective and walk the earth searching for it, without any other care. Yes, suicide has crossed my mind. To join the many and to longer be one of the few. As the blood of a zombie I just killed drips off the end of my shovel I can't help but wonder if my blood might end up dripping off the end of a weapon one day. But that doesn't scare me, no, that doesn't terrify me.
What I find terrifying is the thought that Evie will grow up and have to deal with zombies everyday for the rest of her life. I have nightmares about my little girl growing up in a world where nothing makes any sense and her life is threatened every day. The thought that my daughter will never lead a happy life makes me want to end it all now. But I won't...I do still have hope. Maybe I have seen too many movies or maybe I still believe in fairy tales. I do believe that there will be, some sort, of happy ending for us all and especially my little Evie.
Until that happy ending happens I will have to persevere and I WILL continue to fight for a very uncertain future. At least, I still believe there will be a future. I am not going to let a shambling corpse or a dozen undead keep me from fighting for a future which is rightfully ours. Zombies don't have futures. Before zombies showed up I didn't think humans had a future either. With all of the pollution, war, and hatred I thought Evie's future was very depressing. Perhaps this is all just a blessing in disguise. Perhaps the world will come to an end just long enough and hard enough to get it's shit together. Perhaps my little Evie actually has the brightest future she could ever have.